I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
This may sound mean but have u ever just sat in class and look at some of the the people and think how disappointed their parents must be
while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving
He looked at me like he has never had a girl throw up on him before.
He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"
I feel like a food baby is going to burst from my stomach and eat all the leftovers until another food baby rips out of its stomach. And so on. It's truly a merry Christmas.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
I was just trying to be a good friend but in retrospect I probably shouldn't have pepper sprayed you.
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
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