Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
You broke into someone's house and stole a pan of lasagna.
I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.
And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.
Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
last night I used snow as a chaser
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