dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag
could you get any more awkward?
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
I'm gonna eat you out. But for science
…wtf were in those pills mom gave me
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
scotch tastings during the week is a baaad idea. i woke up w no pants but wearing my winter coat
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
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