Obama is so hot when he ends wars.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
you closed your eyes and pointed to a cupboard..there was vodka on the top shelf. your sixth sense is amazing. plus, we convinced the foreign kid you're a booze whisperer
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
Start warming up your vocal cords, because Fucking With The Windows Open season has arrived.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
He literally named all the parts of the vagina as he fingered me. No more pre-med virgins.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
Let's just say that I took off my pants and I had superman boxers on. Then she took off her pants and she had batman panties on. I think she's the one!
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
Randomize
