This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
I have a sixth sense for dads free balling in gym shorts
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
First time since we broke up that I'm not drunk before noon...win for broken hearts everywhere
The house hit rave levels when La Bamba came on which confuses me because I live in white suburban Canada
PARA BAILAR LA BAMBA ASSHOLES
We accept all of your sexual lovers, Jewish, episcopalian, atheist. Dick is dick
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
Randomize
