every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
hot girl, 5 o clock
do you know how to read a clock?
Im sitting next to shitfaced santa at the cuse game. My plan to be on television is now flawless
Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??
chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life
I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.
And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
then she kicked a hole in her own door and the next thing you know, brian's walking up to her room with power tools. in no condition to use them
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
Our first crop came in on the day that they added Hercules to Netflix Instant, I think it's the universe telling us that it approves of us growing shrooms in our guest room.
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
Randomize
