it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
When I start puking tomorrow, just let me be. it'll start around 8:35. just let me heave. i love this part of my morning.
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
Hey ER girl, its the EMT you beat at blowjobs shots last night.
That is the scariest sentence I have ever read.
I think drinking White Russians at half past four in the afternoon is perfectly acceptable. I'd bought a LOT of milk and cream that needs to be used up. Resourceful, check, fuckable, check. You have a great girlfriend here pal.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a taco... I feel like a female Elvis.
Dollars spent: $83, Girls kissed: 4, Girls slept with:2, Girls currently making me breakfast: 1, Fucks given: 0
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
You know you're high when you find yourself sitting on the floor with the refrigerator door open, talking to various foods. Hand gestures and all.
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Randomize
