why do cheetos always look like penises
i feel like a lion cub that has been breast fed for years, and mom has left, and now i have to learn how to hunt on my own
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
Shame tastes like burnetts and latex
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
I got a letter from the home owners association saying its against policy to have sex on the trampoline.
I couldn't sleep so I took 4 shots of vodka and promptly threw up in the sink. Happy Thursday
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
He isn't understanding any of my Fetty Wap references. He may not be a keeper after all.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
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