apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
I thought I had fell out of his trailer but he says I tried to ninja kick his TV stand saying those girls hula hooping were trying to seduce him. There wasn't anyone else there.
it was 6 in the morning, and you cried until i put mulan in. then you proceeded to say every word, not to mention sing along... stop drinking.
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
Instead of medicine they should just give ecstasy. Also I'm tingly and can't find u guys. A gay man just said he loved me... :( / :)
the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
I'm sure the lady doing my pedicure could smell the sex on me.
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
Randomize
