How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
So if I tell her fire is hot and it will burn her... she's probably just going to keep throwing her vagina at it huh?
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
I'm sorry I put my balls through your watch. On another note your roommate had them on his shoulder too sry
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
Randomize
