We had two amazing nights in a row...it was so weird...I couldn't even go to sleep cause I thought maybe it was just in his plot to kill me.
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??
He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.
You should probably go find him.
as evidence of my kitchen this morning my night involved alot of mustard and condoms
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.
Well the strippers have danced to goo goo dolls and green day, time of your life. Were all gonna commit suicide.
We just laid there in bed together, petting his dick and repeating, "IT FEELS LIKE VELVET!!!"
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
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