Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...
And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...
Why is there an ambulance refusal in my pocket? I'm never going drinking with you again.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
Just watched a girl fall down the stair and be to drunk to get up. The only stair in the bar. It's like watching a turtle on it's back.
God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
Also at one point I told him to say my name and it took him like 5 seconds to remember.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
Just so you know sleeping with you is like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
That's the most romantic thing I've ever heard
Sexting gets boring after a while. I'm eating a sandwich right now and googling 'sexting ideas' and just copy/pasting lines.
It's a good sandwich though.
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
Randomize
