Where did you get a picture of my penis
i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
ugh, i have officially sinned in all of my cute clothes. i can't even wear any of them without feeling regret.
Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
So I just went to student health services and on my way in there was a girl outside on her phone saying "I just dont want you to be angry" and on my way out she was saying "I have the side effects sheet right here" Someone started the semester off classy
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"
we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.
He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.
Liz is crying about burritos again.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
we're forecasting high levels of inebriation into the evening with dropping temperatures late at night
You think your roommate is bad? The guy they paired me with is such a nerd, his very presence at a party blocks every cock in the room.
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
Randomize
