he said he wished he had more hands so he could firmly hold my boobs.
Dude, just discovered frito and mozzarella nachos. Don't say I never contributed anything to this world.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
there are no losers in shot checkers. only winners.
Everytime I get drunk I wake up hugging the bag of bagels from three months ago
thankfully we both ride of shamed home together on razor scooters in dresses because we stopped for breakfast sandwiches too
The impact your presence has on my vagina without even putting your hands on me is quite astonishing, impressive and a little disturbing.
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
summer in europe = liver of steel
I accept that challenge.
Randomize
