I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
i think ur clone was at the club last week. she slapped some tall girl in the face who tried to steal her spot on the podium. i dont know if ur like her, but she seemd like a ninja badass with superpowers
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
Let's make a pact to never get in a cab at 3am together unless it's to go home or for pizza.
Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?
Is it working?
No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
So yeah she lost her virginity in a wheel chair with a broken pelvis. I'm still trying to figure out how I should feel about that.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
There are some sad choices of men in the ER. That one was missing teeth. Not the place to find a husband.
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Oh god, I forgot we had sex to Elton John
Randomize
