I think scott just propositioned me for sex
Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
I don't understand how anyone could look at him and think, 'Yeah, that's a good idea.'
if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place
Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
Discovered a freckle on my clitoris. What have you done today?
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
You were giving me all the reasons why being the big spoon is such a responsibility, and how you wish you were a girl cause the little spoon does nothing
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
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