my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...
Okay throwing up in my mouth a little = time to go home
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
well smoking weed has become a deal breaker for me so I pretty much use "let's go smoke a blunt" as an icebreaker
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
Slept on the bathroom floor again. I hope when I turn 28 I’ll stop doing that
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
