We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
Who was that guy you went home with?
Hang on, I'm trying to ask his name right now.
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
I sat on his lap and we shared a beer. I feel like that's an invitation to his dick.
well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
I gave up on alcohol forever for like 2 hours, that's got to be a new record
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
This is the guy I made out with and it made me think of my dad. Let's never talk about it again.
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
That awkward moment when you're drunk enough to crave cocaine, but you're sober enough to know it's only Tuesday.
he's been 21 for 38 minutes and he's already trying to fist fight this dude over his girl
awwwww babys first drunken mistake
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
