She was like a white Oprah, but with less conviction.
I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
I cannot believe you needed a note to remind yourself to ask me about the fourteen sleeping Mexicans.
he asked me if i wanted "a hit" off his inhaler. its definitely time for a new roommate
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
His pick-up lines are quotes from Doctor Who. Of course I fucked him.
THIS THING HATES MY LIVER
69'd by candlelight when the power went out.
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
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