The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
I just used a baby fork as a roach clip. I am totally the cool aunt.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
Dude fuck drugs. It's 4am and I'm eating mushroom ravioli fantasizing about jumping on a trampoline
I just watched your sister pour half a bottle of cotton candy flavored snow cone syrup into a bottle of marshmallow flavored vodka, take a swig, frown, and pour a cherry coke in.
Just wait until she offers you a "powerita"
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
She started crying, nearly punched a guy, started smoking multiple cigarets backwards and broke the slide on her bong. Why do I always end up babysitting the crazy ones?
For some reason, my alarm clock was unplugged & in the kitchen microwave. I don't remember doing that...
I saw some guy masturbating in the Burger King parking lot and I’m just fucking done
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