You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy
In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?
Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
Don't do it. He's got a dick the size of a baseball bat. You don't want that commitment.
I have to. For the sake of science.
WAIT YOU’VE NEVER BEEN TO COSTCO???
COSTCO IS MAGICAL
I can’t believe you two made a group text to scream at me about Costco.
Randomize
