why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
I woke up in my girlfriends bed with another guy laying next to me. wtf.
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
I feel like after all he sees, the dog needs to get baptized.
Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
Just ran into her dad at the strip club. He bought me a dance. I think i found a winner.
are you just inviting me because you can't afford an actual stripper?
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
Weird. And pubic lice are now endangered so your hairy balls can rest easy
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