After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest
He is going to sleep with me. That's all there is to it. I'm 4 for 4 right now. I'm not making it 4 for 5.
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
my knee is completely bruised from kneesliding into the bowling ball. bowling for creativity points was a win
Have the decency to NOT HANG YOU'RE USED CONDOM ON THE FOOSEBALL HANDLES! Dickhead.
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
I just spent 5 minutes saying how beautiful you are and you come back with dont get fat cause you have weird nipples.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
Randomize
