I'm peeing chunks and puking liquid. Did I at least have fun last night?
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
The second he texted me with "*dry humps you!*" I knew any relationship we might have had was over.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.
It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.
I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
Him cheating on his girlfriend resulted in a $1500 hospital bill from repeated blows to his testicles by my ass. They diagnosed his pain as "testicle trauma". Sex karma at it's finest.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
There was a comma in between her and dick. I was calling you a dick. Jesus.
Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.
I had mediocre parking lot sex last night so the night wasn't a complete bust.
I love you.
Bad choice
Randomize
