i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
Come see our sink grown plant.
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
You know you're baked when you feel your throat closing up from an allergic reaction to the pecans in the cookie you're eating but you keep eating the damn cookie.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
Driving you two to the party with a keg belted into the back seat has given me a brief glimpse of parenthood. I am now more resolved than ever to never breed, so thanks for that.
We will let tequila do the talkin this weekend
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
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