so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
I was found on the hood of someone elses car... Who would've thought there were 2 white nissans?
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
I just found a pubic hair on my dick that wasn't mine.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
This teachers last name is pfister and she did the fisting motion to help explain how to pronounce her name. This class might be good
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
Randomize