tell your sister to shave her snatch
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
He said he looked out his window and I was sitting in the grass with blood everywhere talking to a dog.
After a while I was so wet that I started crying. HE MADE ME SO HORNY I WEPT.
I'm still a bit day drunk and decided to go for a run. You may get a snapchat of me vomiting soon
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
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