My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
just found my old 10th grade stash of beer in a shoebox. guess who's getting trashed tonight
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
dude literally just took me 4 trips to take out the recycling from last night. we need to have parties like this more often
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
I need a "no soliciting" sign for your dick
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
How are you and the lady friend?
Well, she's a lunatic, and I love sex, so we're good.
Randomize
