You kept calling me your small dog last night.
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
this is random but who was banging in the shower in our condo?
well shes beginning to earn a reputation as "the girl who tries to bone her hook ups in the ass with a pickle"
Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
If a clean cut ginger with a flannel and tattoos shows up at the apartment, he is allowed inside.
dude i haven't had a solid dump since sunday and i still cant hear out of my right ear
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
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