i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole
guy picked up a cops taser, thing shot him in the neck, he went down and pissed himself, cop started laughing and hasnt called an ambulance.
We agreed on being friends w/ benefits. Lets see if that really happens.
Ok, so that was not supposed to go to u, my bad. I feel horrible.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
Did you put candle wax on my balls last night?
In fairness you've introduced me to a lot of people I've only met once, for like 5 seconds, while drunk
Thanks to a bad fart decision during a production meeting, I am now on my way to Target to buy new pants. How is your day?
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
I had a dream involving the worlds smallest pony, an asphalt volcano, and jimi hendrix. Never smoking 3 bowls before bed again
Randomize
