I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic
These shoes are way too nice for a walk of shame. Its how I keep myself in line.
Dude so coolest charity idea ever, think aids walk but instead of miles you drink beers oh the possibilities
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
Oddly enough I feel totally fine now. Clonazapam and red bull the breakfast of champions.
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
He left stubble rash on my thighs and cooked me bacon before 9am. I need to lock this down STAT
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Tell me I'm drunk and you have to come get me. It's usually true. They'll believe you.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize