bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring
My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
Also there's a home game tomorrow and I thought about holding up a sign that says, "I madeout with #64 during orientation week" would that be inappropriate??
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
It's like his penis moved in and did some interior decorating without telling me first...
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