She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
i wish exes would disappear into a world where we never have to deal with them again, and they can just create drama for each other. Then if they wanted to talk to us, they would have to apply to get a "visa" to come back to our world.
i was so drunk that i ate a carrot out of her guiena pig's cage and thought it was normal
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
I am now best friends with a lesbian named Zulu. I am pretty hammered already and made a game time decision to stay here another night,for partying purposes
You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
We need to do something soon. I need like 4,000 beers and a cigarette.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
just so you know. the medical term for period cramps is mettelschmerz.
glad to know something that causes such misery in my life has such a laughable name.
Randomize
