Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
I just started talking about my sextoy because I wanted things to be normal again.
She's cool and all but if she eats my food again I'm gonna fucking drop kick her ass. No one touches my lunchables. NO ONE.
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
You okay? Last night you climbed through my window and demanded I take shots with you and when I refused you took a piss in my front yard.
that's your fault. you refused to take shots with me.
I'm actually more excited that I had so much sex this weekend that my ovaries hurt
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
Come as you are, bitch. Glitter and vodka provided.
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
Randomize
