I dont remember anything after Tequila & Apple Juice. May have disovered the recipe for mental bleach.
thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.
I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
Yeah sketchy neighborhood.. Some woman ran by screaming, "i didn't steal anything" as some cops rolled up and arrested her.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
Also, hurry up because I don't like drinking alone. I'm still doing it, but I don't like it.
Went into Walmart to get a pregnancy test. Came out with a beta fish and chocolate.
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
It was like I was gay for pay but except being gay I became straight and instead of for pay it was for coke.
Randomize
