So drunk its hurt
I just saw a dog and thought "Hey! A goat!" Then realized it was a dog. Now I'm sad.
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
dibs on John Mayer's hood pass
He passed out mid-signature
that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag
He asked me out while I'm back in town. I have to acknowledge and honor his persistence.
Your vagina must be laced with cocaine...
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
You'd be proud! I didn't lose my id this time... It got confiscated
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
Dude i'm still drunk and i'm feeding a raccoon cereal from my bedroom window
I can't believe he's mad at you for not remembering your fake anniversary.
He’s like Batman if Batman went down on me and gave me multiple toe curling orgasms. He left without saying a word before I pulled the pillow off my face
Find out if he’s shared his techniques with a friend and set me up with him. You know I’ve always had a thing for Robin!!!!
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
