she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
Freshman ate returning to campus. Let Operation Slut Storm commence.
Let's paint friendship bongs
in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.
You realize your sleeping pills are working when you pick up your iPhone and almost bite it because you thought it was a graham cracker
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
Dang. We need a girls trip ASAP. Preferably in a country who has even lower standards than us on a Friday night.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
I guess what I'm trying to get to is that my dog sneezed on my dick earlier and its really taken the joy out of my evening.
He was more upset that I got into his phone than about getting caught cheating.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
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