I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.
I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Randomize
