This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
It just goes to show you, your dreams can come true. You can hook up with your dads hot married friend.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
Honestly I think at this point I purposefully schedule nothing on Sundays anymore so I can spend all day wallowing in my shame.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
I was thinking that, but I'm not sure the proper etiquette on asking about someone's nipple rings. Even if you did see them and compliment them once.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
I accidentally sent a snap of my puss with the Republican filter... Totally killed his boner
OMG OMG OMG I just throwed up in his pillow case when he wentto start the sho wer, time to grab my bra and bounce!!!
Wow.
Randomize
