Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
so all night Ive been that girl with her tits out @ the bar. I mean I dropped jaws, yo. But in a classy way.
Hungover like ... in bed with the Brita pitcher and a straw, only opening one eye at a time.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
Just had Jager bombs for breakfast with her roommate... I do not regret this newfound lesbianism.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
Always wear a seatbelt when giving road head. I think I'm just going to tell people I don't remember how I got the fat lip.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
He is married, and has a regrettably large penis. I need to find another one right away to get myself out of this mess.
How big does a penis have to be before it becomes regrettably so?
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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