Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple
I got otter pops to cool the beers, it's an all around better idea.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me
We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'
i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly
Just saved her as "new hostess that randy banged" ...I forgot her name
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
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