Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
i just used burnetts to get spraypaint off the floor of my dorm lobby
he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.
Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.
got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon
she was in a cheetah costume
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
Beer acquired. Food is cooking
Wow, you are almost sliding into home plate for some stellar fellatio
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
Everyone was soo nice and genuine.. Then again it coulda just been the drugs.
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
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