I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
His ankle bracelet only gets in the way when I'm trying to take off his pants.
It was tug of war between me and the cop. He wanted the beer, I wanted the coozie.
I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
You kept yelling in my face " YOU'RE GONNA HAVE TO SUCK A DICK TONIGHT!"
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
Last time I was blackout at Cowbells I was running around screaming “WHERES THE BLOOOWWWW”
my mom walked in on me eating her out, and i can never kiss my mother again.
I boned my sugar daddy for the first time yesterday and now I know why they say guys in their 40s are the best. Also I’m getting a car.
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