So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
I'm just going to eat my milkshake, watch teen wolf, masturbate, and lament my inability to form meaningful relations with men who aren't gay
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
If you're into enormous nipples, you should ask out my office's receptionist.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
I'm at the gym. I've taken enough caffeine to feel inspired to be a low budget instagram fitness model. I totally forgot my push up bra though
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