I've decided to sign up for a porn membership, but it's 10:30 and I'm going to wait an hour an a half because I don't want to waste a whole day of my month long membership. Fuck this economy.
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
i think i'd rather have a trophy of a like jizz stained curtain or something
We ran out of ice cubes so I used ice cream. Everyone thought that was the plan all along. I just went with it.
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
Dude, don't put me in a suit and feed me liquor; I'll never go home.
Hahahaha yep. You were picking up the credit card machine and singing to it in Spanish.
at that point, I wouldn't blame you because I'd be so ashamed I couldnt even have sex with myself.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
