and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed
im insabelyl wasted and diont know if ill yexyed tou. call me
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
She had been watching Bad Girls Club where the annoying girl always says "I RUN L.A.". After she got wasted she kept going up to strangers at the bar yelling "I RUN FAYETTEVILLE." I peed in her drink.
This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.
So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
I'm not sure what happened. But I must have won because I obviously stole two full pitchers of beer from the bar and taped a note on them saying "your welcome"
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
STOP WHATEVER YOU ARE DOING AND GO OUTSIDE RIGHT NOW. THE MOON LOOKS LIKE CATWOMAN
The party was Hollywood themed and I won an oscar for "finest ass in a leading role"
if you guys find pieces of my teeth don't throw them out please
Thought for a game. Duck, Duck, Grey Goose. If you're tapped, you take a shot. Then proceed as normal.
Randomize
