Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
Literally, and I mean LITERALLY as in "not to be confused with a casual hyperbole", LITERALLY the day we broke up she slept with 3 different guys that night.
1) It's nice to see that the whole "English Major" thing is upping the quality of your rants 2) Have you considered that your dick was the cork holding her sluttiness in?
It's barely past noon, how am I already talking about double penetration
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
Randomize
