Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
He looked way older than 15. He probably thought that since I have braces I was 15. Fuck. The 6 year age gap is never to be spoken about. Especially because what happened constitutes as illegal.
you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.
Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.
there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
you kept telling her you'd make a great step-dad while cuddling her and rubbing her back...
There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.
Consider it an appointment to improve my blow job capabilities.
It's a pretty amazing thing to watch... He used "Rad tits" as his pick up line of the night. And it worked... 3 times
He pulled a bucket of fried chicken out of his backpack as a peace offering. Under the chicken was a rainbow bag of weed. We're dating again.
His mom walking in on us having sex was probably the highlight of the night
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Randomize
