Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
Went to bed at 4 in a strangers bed. woke up wearing scrubs, realized i was gonna be late for work so i just wore the same clothes as the day before... i don't have a toothbrush and im pretty sure there is leftover semen in my mouth. at some point i think i was at the beach cuz theres is sand in my underwear. i love newport already.
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.
Well when you get back to your computer, there's a nice explanation of pansexuality on your Skype.
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
It's amazing what a couple of orgasms can do for a girls demeanor.
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
Like my mom really needs to know just how non existent my sex life is
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