Cold hands, warm shart.
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.
You can do it. What doesn't kill us just drives us to drink
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
I want to own their dicks and all the attachments
My dad handed me a drink and said, "This'll knock your dick in the dirt..."
I tried to order champagne at IHOP last night
and Katie got too high with the tow truck driver and wants to go home
Its official... I need to stop being so slutty.. the guy I had sex with on friday delivered my jimmy johns tonight.
I'm about to eat a 2month old weed brownie I just found in my lax duffel bag. will you answer if I call you in like an hour and a half
He fell asleep during FOREPLAY. Sober!!!
Im outta here as soon as my phone charges wtf
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
