I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
Yeah got a self inflicted broken nose.
I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one
Goddamn tequila
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
My night ended with a French cab driver offering me his sperm free of cost.
I have a knack for carnage and poetic language.
WHAT THE FUCK I JUST PULLED TWO TAMPONS OUT OF MY VAGINA. WHERE DID THE OTHER ONE COME FROM??
....surprise!
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
Randomize
