god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
my mom walked in on me smoking weed alone, listening to the eagles, and just staring at the river. she totally knew.
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
we used the bottom of a tampon for coke since no one had a 20 on them. My life has resisted to this.
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
Ok I am NOT pregnant. I could shove coal up my vagina and my uterus would turn it into a diamond in a matter of minutes
Oh. My. God. You texted my mom "IM BACK BITCHES!"
Just traded a shot of whiskey for a warm PBR on public transit. It's that's sort of night already.
I see more hoeing in ur future
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