He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
Just think about it this way, every time you work Sunday, it's another $75 and that equals another hooker when we go to Amsterdam.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
I just want to emotionally destroy him but also find out how big his dick is so this is perfect
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
As long as there is beach, drink, dick, in that order. I’m in.
Randomize
