he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out
what a beautiful fairy tale
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.
definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
I mean he gave me an 'I owe you an orgasm' fist bump
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
Talking to him sober hurts my brain
In case you're wondering... Yes walmart will judge you for buying vodka and pickles at 645am.
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
I woke up while she was taking a panoramic photo of my morning wood
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