you hand the children out the window. i'll pour the drinks.
you ever wonder how lesbians feel about girls being in relationships with other girls on facebook? could it annoy them more than it annoys me?
Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.
Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...
She has puke on the back of her shirt not quite sure how the hell she did that
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
Hey are you going to the pride parade? If so get me a shit ton of condoms
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
YOU BETTER TOUCH MY NIPPLES TODAY
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
She woke up with her hand super glued to the fridge....how the hell am I Supposed to get her off??
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
Looking back, we probably shouldn't have chased alcohol with more alcohol
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